I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
