How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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