I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
