dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
We had sex on a dog bed..
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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