I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
