Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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