question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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