just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Dicks are not precious.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
