dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
