Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
