Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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