so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
