If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
