after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
