Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
