so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
