Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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