Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Even my vagina gasped.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
