On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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