Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
