My underwear smells like fireworks.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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