3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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