So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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