Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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