you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
