There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Randomize
