He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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