her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
