Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
