We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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