I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
