I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
sarcasm needs its own font
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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