how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
