Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
