PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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