She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
