Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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