Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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