sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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