i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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