Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
