sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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