a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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