im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
