I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I want her autograph on my taint
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
