I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize