Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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