i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
