Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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