The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
