Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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