My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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