3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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