Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
