I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
