A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
