ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
