Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
