she looked like the before picture.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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