they said they heard you say put it in my butt
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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