I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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