I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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