whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
